


I am SO Sorry

by Briana_Dubs



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Gen, I'm Sorry, i had to write something, i was freaking out about the idea, it's mainly just me writing out my own version of the theory, it's them slowly building up a relationship, they're only friends right now, this is before loki and tony get together, tumblr had theories going around evreywhere i looked
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 07:29:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17463230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Briana_Dubs/pseuds/Briana_Dubs
Summary: “I’ve survived so many things that should have killed me, Lokes. Open heart surgery without anesthesia. Paladium in my blood that should have been lethal any level over fifty percent for someone like me who spent so much of my life drinking into blackouts. I’ve been punched by the winter soldier through two solid wood tables without having more than some ugly bruises on my back. I’ve had the shit kicked out of me by two super powered military cadets and the worst I really had was a fractured arm and internal bleeding. Hell, even having you pick me up by the neck and throw me out the window should have broken bones! Those were reinforced windows. Tony Stark does not go cheap when building anything.”





	I am SO Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> really very sorry

“It’s really not something I talk about…” Tony’s voice was quiet as he sat with Loki. The two were still on shaky terms after the former villain had come to Earth with Thor and the other Asgardians just half a year ago. But after the night he had, Tony felt like there wasn’t much option. He had woken up from a horrid nightmare and called the god to talk. “You might be the only one who would understand,” he had said in a shaking voice, “Thor’s told us a couple of stories, but I’m not sure he would really know where I’m coming from.” This was something he couldn’t even talk to Bruce about. The topic hit too close to home for him and the Hulk. He hardly ever mentioned it to anyone. Even Rhodey had only heard the story once. After Afghanistan they had sat down for a heart to heart and Tony dumped his soul onto the floor without a drop of alcohol in his system. Rhodey had been fuming for three days after. He was ready to fight everyone who even looked at Tony wrong.

Loki, now, sat calm and quiet as Rhodey had done before Tony told him the tale. The god hadn’t protested being woken at such an early hour, hadn’t asked any questions, and simply sat waiting patiently. It should have been unsettling, having those piercing eyes on him, unblinking, but… it wasn’t. Seeing the way he was watched without a sound made it seem like Loki held more wisdom than even his many years gave reason for. The look in his eyes, Tony realized, is why there were stories about the gods out there. So different from him, and yet… frighteningly similar.

He took in a deep breath that made his chest feel tight and sore. He closed his eyes and clenched the muscles in his face before releasing them to give himself a false sense of calm. “All right,” he said once he was finally ready, “All right…” He opened his eyes and raised them to look Loki in the eyes. “I don’t know the full story with you, and you don’t know the full story with me, but I want you to know that I don’t expect you to share some deep heart-wrenching story of your own after hearing mine. I just… I just want someone to listen.”

Loki nodded, slow and smooth, and whispered in the quiet of the room. “All right.”

With that assurance, Tony started his tale. “So, you know a bit about Steve, yeah? Captain America? He was a small, sickly, skinny little kid until a doctor administered a… a serum… That. That made him… what he is…” He inhaled deep and let the breath back out slow. It still hurt. “A super soldier. Practically a god like you and Thor.” Loki made a bit of a face at that, but didn’t interrupt his story. “The… the doctor who gave the serum to Steve had helpers. Nurses, technicians, scientists, and… And my father.” His hands were clenched tight around the hem of his shirt.

Loki made no move to reach for him, but Tony didn’t expect he would. He wasn’t Rhodey. He didn’t have any emotional attachment to him.

“Howard Stark was basically the ‘me’ of that time. An inventor, a scientist of sorts, a weapons maker, and richer than everyone else in the room. He… he was everything anybody wanted to be, but. But… But if there was one thing he never was, it was a father.” There was a flash of something like understanding in Loki’s eyes at that.

“My dad was cold, he was calculating. To him I wasn’t a child to lovingly rear. I was his newest piece of tech and even then I wasn’t good enough. He constantly compared me to Steve. His ‘golden boy.’ Perfect, wonderful Steve.” The look in Loki’s eyes heated to something not unlike pain. Tony imagined he must know that feeling all too well. Thor was textbook golden. Even his hair.

Tony continued. “Nothing I did was ever good enough. Either dad was off looking for Steve or he was comparing me to him. But… but that.” Tony swallowed three full times before he managed to clear the feeling of a rock lodged in his throat. He didn’t even realize he was shaking until he felt something squeeze around his hand. Looking down, he saw a pale hand over his own. Loki’s long fingers flexed with another soft squeeze. Tearing his gaze away to look up at his face, Tony instantly felt the need to apologize when he saw the sympathetic smile.

“I’m sorry.”

Loki shook his head. “There is no need to apologize. You asked me to listen.” He placed his other hand over top of theirs. “I’m going to listen.”

That urge to apologize came back again and Tony felt like he had to physically fight with it to make it go away. Instead he squeaked out a soft and broken, “Thanks.”

He cleared his throat before beginning the next part. He knew he’d need to be strong for this and found himself closing his eyes. “That was never the worst part… The… the worst was when dad would do tests… on me.”

“Some of the very first ones I can’t even remember. He started right after I was born. Trying to recreate Steve’s serum… He needed a test subject… So, who better than someone expendable? After all, he and mom could’ve just made another if… if… well, if the worst should happen.” Tony refused to open his eyes. He couldn’t make himself look at the pity in Loki’s eyes. He couldn’t. “There were days, weeks, hell there were even months where I was so sick I couldn’t leave my bed… Jarvis said it was like watching me die and crawl back from the brink over and over again. But did that ever stop dear old dad? No. Why would it?”

“So… I was his lab rat. Again and again he tried to see if he had successfully recreated the serum and again and again I kept getting sick. Until one day… I didn’t.” He let a bitter smile stretch his face, but still refused to open his eyes. “It never made me super human, it never gave me crazy healing abilities, and I never got any taller, but it did… something…”

He had heard the small scoff Loki let out when he mentioned his height, and it was enough to make Tony open his eyes just a little bit.

“I’ve survived so many things that should have killed me, Lokes. Open heart surgery without anesthesia. Palladium in my blood that should have been lethal any level over fifty percent for someone like me who spent so much of my life drinking into blackouts. I’ve been punched by the winter soldier through two solid wood tables without having more than some ugly bruises on my back. I’ve had the shit kicked out of me by two super powered military cadets and the worst I really had was a fractured arm and internal bleeding. Hell, even having you pick me up by the neck and throw me out the window should have broken bones! Those were reinforced windows. Tony Stark does not go cheap when building anything.”

Sighing, he pulled his hand back and ran it through his hair. “I guess… Well, whatever dad did… I’m kind of like a human cockroach now.” He looked up at Loki and tried to offer a smile. “Uh, I guess that’s it. Sorry if you were expecting more.”

Loki, who had stayed so quiet and listened so well, had a look in his eyes just like Rhodey’s after Tony had first told him the story. Burning rage.

“Don’t you dare apologize for that,” Loki hissed. “You do not owe anyone apologies for your own trauma.” Loki took his hands from where they had been twisted in Tony’s lap. “The fact that you shared this with me at all is proof that you are exceptional and braver than you give yourself credit for.”

Hearing that. Hearing Loki tell him it was okay and call him brave for it had tears rushing to Tony’s eyes. He hated being a bother to others. It was something he had never outgrown and he knew he had dear old dad to thank for that too. He was just supposed to be seen, not heard, especially when he was having problems.

“I know you and I have had a rocky history,” Loki said, with a meaningful glance at the nearest window. “But I can understand why you’ve chosen me as the one to talk to. I do not think Thor would ever understand what it feels like to be betrayed by your father so wholly.” He lowered his gaze and stare down at their joined hands. “You said… you did not expect anything in return for this baring of truth…”

“But…” Loki took his hands away and flipped them palm side up. Slowly the pale color of his skin began to fade to a deep blue. Tony felt the air in the room begin to chill, and when he looked up to the god’s face he saw the same thing that happened to his hands, happen to his face. Deep, rich, dark blue. And when his eyes flicked back up to him he saw they were a vibrant red instead of the green they normally were. Even the whites of his eyes were that red. They were almost glowing in the dark of the room.

When he reached a hand out toward him, Loki leaned back away from him. “You can’t,” he said, “Touch me, I mean… It will give you extreme frostbite in a matter of seconds.”

Lowering the hand, Tony just sat there looking at him. Loki’s eyes had lowered for a moment before rising back up to Tony’s face and the smile on his face was so empty it left Tony feeling hollow. “I’m not of Asgard. By blood I am a Jotun- a race hated and feared by all those who lived in Asgard. I grew up with stories of Jotuns as monsters and killers. As a child I was taught to fear them, all the while my… All the while Odin knew. Knew what I was and chose never to say anything.”

He had that smile on his face again and this time Tony laughed. Once, openly and bitterly. “I guess the two of us both aren’t going to be giving out any awards to our fathers huh? Just two fucked up peas in a pod.”

Loki laughed a little bit at that. Shaking his head, his blue skin began to melt back to the pale shade it was before. “You are your inane sayings.”

“Sorry, it’s just this thing I do. Diffuse tense situations with humor.”

Loki nodded. “It is another thing we have in common,” he told him. “I… I am glad you were willing to talk with me… Tony.”

“Aw, you called me by my first name! You’re going all soft on me, Loki Doki.”

**Author's Note:**

> very very sorry


End file.
